Grief and Loss Through the IFS Lens: Navigating Life-Limiting and Terminal Conditions
Grief is often thought of as something that happens after a loss, but for those facing a life-limiting or terminal condition, grief is not just an endpoint—it is a companion along the way. Whether you are the one navigating the health condition or a loved one caring and bearing witness to it, the experience is marked by layers of loss: of certainty, of identity, of the future once imagined.
Anticipatory Grief and Nonfinite Loss
When facing a life-limiting or terminal condition, grief doesn’t wait for an official moment of loss—it begins the moment life changes. This is known as anticipatory grief and it can manifest as:
Grieving the loss of a future imagined
The loss of physical abilities, independence, or identity
The pain of watching a loved one suffer, knowing more loss is to come
Grief as an Internal System of Parts
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a unique way of understanding this grief. In IFS, the mind is seen as made up of different “parts,” each with its own role in how we experience the world. IFS helps us recognize and honor the wisdom of the many reactions that arise in response to grief and loss – including reactions that are in conflict with each other.
Note: the following is not an exhaustive list, but rather an example of parts one may recognize within themselves.
The Do-er Part: Works hard to keep grief at bay, pushing forward with treatment plans, logistics, and distractions. It says, “If I stay busy, I won’t have to feel this.”
The Fearful Part: Anticipates every worst-case scenario, trying to prepare for what’s to come. It may say, “If I brace myself now, it won’t hurt as much later.”
The Angry Part: Resents the unfairness of the situation. It may direct its frustration at doctors, loved ones, or even oneself.
The Vulnerable Part: Holds deep sorrow, longing, and the weight of what is being lost. It often feels too overwhelming to face directly, so other parts work to keep it out or hidden.
These parts arise as a way of coping, but when grief is met with suppression or avoidance, suffering often deepens. IFS invites us to approach these parts with curiosity rather than judgement or an agenda to get rid of or change them. In other words, by relating to these parts with curiosity and compassion, IFS helps us to hold our sorrow without being overwhelmed by it.
How IFS Can Support Grief and Loss
IFS does not try to erase grief, but it helps us befriend it—to understand our parts for the meaning inherent in their reactions so we can better understand what they need.
The Do-er Part
Instead of fighting against attempts to distract or avoid grief, IFS asks: What is this part protecting me from? What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t help me avoid feeling the grief?
When we acknowledge their fears, parts tend to soften, making room for deeper emotions to emerge and be tended to.
The Fearful and Angry Parts
Rather than dismissing fear or frustration, we can meet these emotions with curiosity: What are they trying to tell you about your experiences? What do they feel you need right now?
Fear often just wants connection and reassurance; anger often benefits from validation.
Tending to the Vulnerable Parts of Deep Grief
These parts carry the heaviest burdens—the sadness, the longing, the loss of what was and what may never be.
With IFS, we don’t force these parts to the surface before they’re ready. Instead, we create a safe inner space where they can be acknowledged gently, in their own time.
Inviting Self-Compassion
At the core of IFS is the concept of Self-energy—the resource in all of us that is calm, compassionate, and able to hold grief without being consumed by it.
By increasing access to Self-energy, we can grieve while also remaining present to the moments of love and connection still available to us.
Living with Loss While Staying Present to Life
Grief is not something to “fix” or “get over.” When facing a life limiting or terminal condition—whether our own or that of a loved one—grief and love exist side by side. IFS allows us to meet our pain with gentleness, making room for both sorrow and joy, loss and connection.